Lettermen's Top Ten

And the Number One reason that being single doesn't always suck is:

Experiencing God in the Nature

I meant to write this post 3 weeks ago as a continuation of the last one but haven't had time to do much blogging.

The retreat I attended was a lot about experiencing God all around us. I needed to experience God because each one of Paula's sessions literally drained me. . As our Saturday afternoon session ended, Paula asked us to go back to our rooms and experience silence. We could journal, sit quietly and do nothing, take a walk, or even a nap. She suggested we do more than one thing. We were supposed to experience God in this silence.

I began by sitting quietly and then I journaled some thoughts before going outside for a walk around the grounds. The day before I had walked around, and was especially attracted to the statue of Jesus in the Agony Garden, so I decided to stop there first.

I was amazed at how piercing the eyes of a marble statue could be.

I reached down and felt Jesus’ thumbnail. The sculptor did such an amazing job, that you could actually feel ridges on it. As I started to walk away, all I could hear was Jesus saying the same thing he said to the apostles “Could you not keep watch for one hour?” I laughed but decided that maybe I should sit down on the bench for a while.

I guess I thought I was going to experience some powerful revelation or something, but instead it was just a nice peaceful resting period.

However, when it was time to leave I went and stood beside Jesus again. When I put my hand over his, my fingers went inside his folded hands. His hand was warm from the sun but for that instant, it was as though I was holding hands with God. I can’t describe the incredible feeling that came over me. It sounds silly, but it had quite a profound effect on me.

After dinner we headed back for the evening session. At the end, Paula again instructed us to leave in silence, but this time stand outside the building, and experience God in the nature surrounding us.

The sun had just gone down, but there was still enough light in the sky that I could see the clouds. As I turned my head, I noticed a cloud in the perfect shape of a dove. I looked around and no one was looking at it. I wanted to shout "Everybody Look." But then I realized it wasn't meant for everyone, it was my own message meant just for me. God was communicating to each of us in his own special way. For me the dove was God saying good night on a perfect day. “Peace”! he whispered in the cloud.

Both times that day, in the silence, God’s message had come through loud and clear and each time it was difficult to just walk away. I stayed out there for a long time that night watching the cloud until it dissipated. When I was a little girl and my parents tucked me in at night they would always kiss my cheek and gently tap their finger on the end of my nose. A special gesture to let me know how much I was loved, how much I was cared for . And that night in the cloud God kissed my cheek and tweaked my nose to let me know how much he loves me and how much he cares.

Retreat

I spent the weekend in Belleville, IL at Our Lady of the Snow National Shrine. I went for a retreat to fulfill a requirement for my lay ministry class, but in retrospect, I believe it was by divine appointment. The same hands that started the world spinning also guided my journey to this weekend retreat.

Sr. Roberta had recommended the woman leading the retreat. With my widows ministry she thought I would benefit from her direction. Paula D’arcy became a young widow after her husband and infant daughter were killed in a car accident, and she has made it her mission to go around the country sharing her expertise on what she has learned through her grief.

She spoke about Great Lessons of the Journey, and The Blessing Inside Sorrow.

For me, the weekend was confirmation for what I have already learned, but the eloquent way she told her story and the encouragement she gave for finding God in it all, was beyond anything I could have imagined. I was blown away.

One of the most notable quotes I came away with was a quote Paula gave from Catholic author Father Richard Rohr:

“Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted.

Think about it …it is so true and so deep.

Last spring I mentioned the retreat to one of my lay ministry friends, I told her it was a directed spiritual retreat about healing after loss and then mentioned something about Paula being a widow. Without knowing anymore, she agreed to go. She figured if Sister Roberta recommended it, that it must be good. I think she thought she was going to support me.

We shared the 9 hour drive together. It was just a year ago that we met for the first time and hit it off immediately despite the fact that we don't have much in common. My friend began her faith journey shortly after her daughter was born prematurely. After her daughters death she began a deeper journey with God and thus is where our commonalities begin. The conversation was non stop all the way down.

We arrived at the hotel late Thursday night, just in time to check in and go to bed. The retreat wasn’t scheduled to begin until 7 pm and so Friday was a free day. We went to mass and after walked around the grounds and finished with a trip to the book store.

Paula’s books were on display and I picked one up and read the description just as my friend walked up. I turned to her and said “Did I mention that Paula also lost a child?” I showed her the book. She backed away like I had handed her a snake.

On the way back to the hotel she told me she wouldn’t have come had she known that part of Paula’s grief journey was a loss of a child. She mentioned how she stuffs her emotions instead of letting them go and how she had been feeling nauseous ever since I mentioned it.

When the retreat began, I was mesmerized from the minute Paula first opened her mouth. Her stories were humorous, they were poignant, and they were eerily familiar. I sat shaking my head in disbelief. She was telling my story to a tee. But not only my story, but my friends story also, as well as the story of every person in the room who has ever experienced a deep grief, and come out on the other side. For some in the room, the grief is still too new, too raw. For those, she gave wonderful direction that can help them on their journey.

As it turned out, at one of our breaks, my friend spoke to Paula. Formerly a psychotherapist, Paula was able to help her look at something in a different light and she was able to make a real breakthrough. Coincidence that she came along to this retreat? I think not!

While eating lunch in the restaurant the first day I noticed many women with turbans on their heads. I later found out that people come from all over hoping for a miracle. Sunday we noticed a special wall in the back of the church called the Wall of Healing, where people have written their miracle story or written out a prayer of gratitude.

I couldn’t help but think of something Paula had mentioned earlier. Someone once asked why they were always so tired. Paula explained that emotional healing is like wearing a full body cast. Not only does the weight of the cast weigh you down, but in order for your body to heal it needs rest. Even when the cast comes off there is still work to be done to make the bones strong again, and stretch the atrophied muscles. For some the healing is longer than for others.

No one would ever expect someone with a broken leg to get up and dance until they could stand alone. But, that is what we do to those suffering an emotional loss. We put time limits on grief.

I thought it was a wonderful analogy and a great reminder.

I'm guessing that after last weekend, the Wall of Healing will included a few of our retreat attendees.

Here are a few of the pictures of the Shrine.

The church front.

This is Paula and me. I feel so tall next to her.